Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are, funnily enough, mutated turtles in their teens, who also happen to be ninjas. Named after four of the Renaissance’s most famous artists, Leonardo (the corageous leader, wielding dual katanas), Michaelangelo (the laid back one, utilising a pair of nunchucks), Raphael (the aggressive, sarcastic one, using a pair of sai) and Donatello (the smart one, with a bo staff) were trained by their rat sensei, Splinter, in the serwers of New York City. The 2014 film acts as an introduction/reboot of the team to new audiences, and also stars Megan Fox, Will Arnett and William Fitchner.

+ the Turtles themselves are larger, and far more physically imposing than other portrayals, which defeats the ‘ninja’ part of their name but certainly makes the action scenes more impressive, as they now have considerable super strength
+ Shredder, in the armour, was pretty cool, and his action scenes were that sort of faux-violent that were threatening (in regards to the rating)
+ William Fitcher (Eric Sacks), Will Arnett (Vern Fenwick) and Whoppi Goldberg (Bernadette Thompson) provide many of the best parts of the film, which are often the parts without the turtles

– Megan Fox (top billed as April O’Niel) is just horrendous in every way. Fox is obviously only there as the eye candy, because she sure as hell isn’t there for her acting ability
– the turtles themselves are all over the place, and either far too serious or not nearly serious enough, at odds to what the situation calls for
– there were only a few times where I felt I was actually watching a Ninja Turtles film, and things like their love of pizza or ‘heroes in a half shell’ were only mentioned as punchlines to bad jokes
– the film seems to feel the need to lampshade how ridiculous the titular heroes are, but then proceed to play itself as straight as it can anyway
– no fights ever come across as intense, and all the jokes fell forced of half-assed

> A sequel has regrettably already been greenlit and will add Stephen Amell (of Arrow fame) as Casey Jones and WWE superstar Sheamus as Rocksteady

Should you watch this film: I don’t know why I put myself through watching films that I know won’t be good. Maybe it is that sliver of hope that my low, low hopes will make it actually bearable, but I think it’s more that I’m a masochist. Avoid this movie like the plague.

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