Wrestling Review: Wrestlecon Joey Ryan’s Penis Party (2019)

Famous dick wrestler Joey Ryan gets his own Wrestlemania weekend event as he, alongside the whole Wrestlecon event present Joey Ryan’s Penis Party. There’s a huge load of matches, including some various genital based matchups on the card, it is sure to be a ball when six of the best animal-based wrestlers battle in a six way, David Arquette sees how hard Timothy Thatcher can go, and Joey Ryan sees if he can shaft any of Martina, Priscilla Kelly or Scarlett Bordeaux as the host teams up with Sexxxy Eddy and Val Venis in a six-person intergender tag. All of this and much more at Joey Ryan’s first ever Penis Party.

+ Joey Ryan, Sexxxy Eddy & Val Venis vs Martina, Priscilla Kelly & Scarlett Bordeaux: holy smokes, Scarlet Bordeaux is something else. Even Priscilla Kelly, as sexy and gross as she is, pales in comparison to Scarlet. Joey Ryan has a shtick, so I can’t blame him for wanting to get his spots in, and Eddy is one of those guys I think everyone has seen at least once, but might not know it. This was mostly all shenanigans, with minimal wrestling, and the fact Joey Ryan wanted to apologise to professional wrestling as a whole after this match might tell you enough. Nonetheless, this was lots of fun, and had a few genuinely funny moments throughout
+ Johnny Penis & Taya Valkyrie vs The Lucha Brothers (Penta El Zero M & Rey Fenix): Johnny Nitro/Morisson/Mundo/Ultra/Blackcraft/Impact’s streak continues, as he takes the name of wherever he’s performing. Despite the obvious mismatch on one side, in lucha rules, this was an even fight, with Taya more than holding her own against los Hermanos de Lucha. The crowd was hugely behind Penta, and to a smaller extent Fenix, but the husband and wife duo more than popped the live audience, just as they did me, for their chemistry and a few particularly well planned moments. This was a lot of fun
+ Dan Barry vs Bill Carr (Penis Party Death Match): the name of this match, and the initial shenanigans did not give me much hope. But soon, holy cow, this went to an entirely new brutal place, complete with staplers, skewers and table covered in mousetraps. This was tremendous (hilarious pun intended), and the post match shenanigans only cemented this as a positive
+ Arez & Bestia 666 vs DJ Z & Shigehiro Irie: this felt particularly short, though I don’t know the official match time. Irie was beast mode among the smaller men, and as much as I loved the AAA duo of Arez and Bestia, DJ Z is just so good he deserved more of a spotlight. I really enjoyed this as a short little fight, and the ending was very well done
+ Mr Iguana vs Green Ant vs Shark Boy vs Black Taurus vs Puma King vs Ultima Dragon (w/ Sonny Onoo): this animal kingdom showdown was mostly gimmicks, but every guy was at least capable. Ultimo Dragon is still fantastic – I remember watching him on Smackdown back in the early ’00s – and Shark Boy was a linchpin of the early TNA rebirth. This was a lot of fun, but not quite the crazy flips and dives of the younger guys killing themselves for my amusement

Best Friends (Chuck Taylor & Trent) & Matt Striker vs Colt Cabana, Mike Babchik & Tommy Dreamer: this was, again, just not very good. The commentary comedy was starting to wear thin, and as much as I love the Best Friends, this was not a good match, this was not funny and this was not worth watching
Danshoku Dino (c) vs Antonio Honda vs Maki Ito vs Makoto Oishi vs MAO vs Sanshiro Takagi vs Yoshihiko (DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title Gauntlet Battle Royal): this was stupid, and I feel dumber for having watching it
David Arquette (W/ Diamond Dallas Page) vs Timothy Thatcher: this was… well, Thatcher is fantastic, and Arquette is a novelty at best. I love Thatcher, but even he could not quite get this to an acceptable level
Twisted Sisterz (Holidead & Thunder Rosa) vs Demonbunny (Allie & Rosemary): there was two running gags in this match, and neither of them were particularly funny. Of the various genital/ass based wrestlers, only Joey Ryan and Ryusuke Taguchi can really get me going, so the use of perineum-centred offence in this match left much to be desired
– Tracy Smothers vs Su Yung: an ultra provocative pre-match promo seemed to go for a year before the sub-par match began. If this had just been a promo and then a beatdown, it would have been fine, but every minute it kept going it just got worse and worse

> I can’t believe there was no Big Dick Johnson, aka that fat dude that used to rub oil all over himself backstage on WWE shows (fun fact, he’s one of the head writers of Lucha Underground, where Joey Ryan and many others on this show have performed)

Should you watch this event: This was never going to be the most technical show from the weekend, but it was always going to be the dirtiest. Have a look for the matches I’ve listed as positives, but by all other means, avoid the negatives, especially Smothers/Yung.

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